Public apologies seem to be everywhere – especially statements of regret from governments, big organisations and corporates. In the main, they emerge once the bare facts of a situation become indisputable – through an enquiry, an investigation or through public exposure. When an apology is the only option possible.
Apologies are also part of the fabric of institutional life. ‘Sorry that I missed the deadline – been busy’, ‘Sorry – diary is manic’, ‘Sorry if that wasn’t the decision that you wanted’ . And my least favourite – ‘sorry to interrupt, but…’.
Apologies are so casually deployed that they lose their potency and impact. And yet we all have moments when all you need is for someone to just say sorry – and to mean it!
Carefully phrased and honestly meant, an apology can make a massive difference in working relationships. Conversely, insincere apologies can create resentment and mistrust. We all make mistakes, and if we own them and seek to remedy them, they can strengthen rather than diminish trust between colleagues. And when we work in an environment of trust and respect, everybody wins.
To apologise well and to improve your chance of being heard, studies show that there are six key aspects to capture in your apology.
✴️ First say that you are sorry (sounds obvious! But ‘it is regrettable that….’ just doesn’t cut it). And saying ‘sorry, but…’ will kill all credibility.
✴️ Second – say what happened that you are sorry for – what went wrong, what you did, and acknowledge the harm that is caused. This is particularly important in ensuring that the other persons feelings are validated and recognised.
✴️ Thirdly – own it. Take full responsibility, no buts or dilutions.
✴️ Fourth – Set out what you intend to do to compensate and harm that you may have done. For example, if you have missed a deadline, deal with any knock-on consequences to other workloads or events.
✴️ Fifth – set out what will be different next time – what you have learnt from the experience. For example ‘next time, I will diarise the deadline a week in advance to ensure I get this to you well in advance’.
✴️ Finally, seek forgiveness. Although note that in a study by Ohio State University (https://bit.ly/44VpNiN), this element was – surprisingly – one of the least important aspects of an apology to the receiver. So, if you want to keep it succinct this is the one to drop!
I have made many mistakes and extended many apologies in my working and home life – and no doubt many more to come! This model has really helped me to think through how I will say sorry and to dig deep into my intentions and commitment. I invite you to try it.
I’m grateful to the good people of @FAIRLSHTM who alerted me to this some years ago.
I’d love to hear of your experiences of good and not-so-good apologies. And if you’d like to develop your own skills in landing messages and being heard, DM me for a chat.
